I Always Knew
by VLo055
Summary: Max instantly knew it was a mistake not to walk away. He knew he would just end up hurt. He always knew. One-shot from the pov of Max. One-sided Max/Jude.


**Summary: **Max instantly knew it was a mistake not to walk away. He knew he would just end up hurt. He always knew. One-sided Max/Jude**  
>Author's Notes:<strong> This is my first fanfiction. I typed this in 30 mins and had no one edit it...not an excuse, just a warning. Also if it seems familiar, I posted this on a livejournal a long time ago. I figured I would post it here since I just made an account.  
><strong>Disclaimer:<strong> I do not own Across the Universe or anything associated with it.

I knew this was going to happen. The second their eyes meet, I knew I had lost. Hmph, I don't even know how this happened. At least I'm not a total cliche. I didn't fall in love with him at first sight.

He was standing around asking about some Professor that didn't even exist. Turns out it was the janitor that I get my pot from. I still remember the disappointment on his pretty face when I pointed to him. Back then I didn't really care. Sure he was good looking, but it wasn't like I was ever going to see him again.

Then he had to go ruin everything by saving me that night. I could have forgotten him and never felt this...pain? No that isn't the right word. It's not even pain; it's more of a cool numbness that taken over my body. If only he won't have interfered. But no, he had to be waiting by the door with an adorable smirk on his face. Just opening the door enough to let me slip in. It only took me one night to realize I was falling. I knew I would never be able to forget the man standing in front of me. The way his eyes brightened when he spoke of his mother. The way he touched his hair when he was unsure what to say. The way his accent got thicker when he...(sigh). Nevermind, I am getting sidetracked. Anyways, I should have stopped it then. I could have told him thanks and just walked away, but I didn't. From that moment on, I was never able to walk away from him. No matter how much it hurt at times, I was there. I stupidly asked him back to my apartment. When he agreed I almost screamed in delight. That rest of that night was a blur...beer and pot does that. I woke up that morning unsure of what happened, but knowing I wouldn't let him leave.

He stayed at my apartment from that point on. He pretended to put up a fight, saying stuff like he already had a place to stay. I was not going to let him live in the janitor's office. I had already thought up a plan of how to get him, and I needed him living here for it to work. It was easy to convince him to stay. All I had to do was say that we had plenty of space, and that he could sleep on the couch. As I expected, he didn't stay on the couch for long. Eventually he made his way to my bed. Given, the first time it happened was because he had gotten so drunk that he couldn't even move. But that was all I excuse I needed to move the plan forward. After a couple more times of passing out in my bed, he started sleeping there for no reason. It became an every night occurrence. We never talked about it. I never asked why he stayed in my bed. Every night I would just smile as he crawled under the blanket. I would wait till he was asleep and stare at him for hours. Memorizing ever line on his face and brushing my fingers just barely against his skin. I would have to remind myself to breathe. After a few weeks, I finally built up the courage to put my arm around him while he was sleeping. I gently laid my arm around his waist and waited for him to move away. He didn't. Instead he scooted closer so his back was pressed against my chest.

He came home with me for Thanksgiving. I didn't even ask. I just told him that we were going. He had no idea what Thanksgiving was, but seemed happy to go on the road trip home. The entire drive I had to remind myself to keep my eyes on the road. I kept wanting to look over and stare at his excited smile as the scenery constantly changed. Everything felt prefect, but it usually does before it was crashes down. I wish I had never invited him to my house. The second he saw my sister, I saw a spark in his eyes. One that I had seen in my eyes far too many times while thinking of him. I tried to ignore it. I made inappropriate comments about her friends, hoping to make him look away from her and back at me. He never did. Dinner was even worse when I noticed that they kept glancing at each other. Then the rest of my family had to get involved. The usual fights started, not that I cared. This happened every time, they would try to bring me down and make me feel worthless. The only difference this time was that I had an announcement. Everybody was surprised that I was quitting school. I hadn't even told Jude yet. They shouldn't have gotten so upset, it's not like I was going to my classes or anything.

Somehow we ended up bowling. I was starting to have fun until I noticed that Jude wasn't even listening. I harshly told him that she already had a boyfriend. I wanted to hurt him the same way he was hurting me. He didn't even seem to care, but I still don't know how I felt about that. I told him later that I was going to New York and that he was coming too. If he would have said no, I don't know what I would have done. The journey had started and we had managed to find a nice apartment with a hot, older woman named Sadie. Hey, just because I liked Jude doesn't mean I don't have eyes. Everything was going better than I could have planned. I never told him how I felt. I don't think he realized it either. He thought that I treated everyone this way. That I would let anyone sleep in my bed at night...he really had no clue. Everything was the way I wanted, or it was until Lucy called.

I didn't want her to come here, but I couldn't say no. She was my younger sister, and I loved her. My younger sister who had just lost her first real boyfriend. I told her that she could stay here as long as she wanted. On some level I knew that I wasn't just agreeing to let her visit, I was also giving her my Jude. She arrived less than a week later, and it didn't take long to see I was right. I tried to play off the fact that they were naked in Jude, until now, never used bed. I just made a few witty remarks and left. I think it worked, but I don't know. They could just not care. I wasn't going to ask. I mean I couldn't blame them. They were meant for each other; I was meant to be alone.

I cried that night. everyone thought it was because of the draft. I wish it was that simple. I already knew and accepted that I was going to be drafted when I dropped out. I was crying because I had just lost the love of my life to my younger sister. I didn't even lose him. I realize now that I never had him. Just cause he laid in my arms at night, didn't mean he was mine. I never told him how I felt, and I never will. I wouldn't be able to take it when he rejected me for Lucy. It was easier to just let them believe what they wanted.

We ran into Prudence about a month later at Mr. Kites. She stared at me the entire night. I tried to move away from her, but no matter where I went she was there. After a few hours of playing that ridiculous game, I finally looked back at her. She eventually pulled me aside and said she knew. I thought back to the night she cried about Sadie, and I realized I wasn't alone. She also had to watch her friend and secret love fall for another while she remained silent. She didn't say anything else, and she didn't have to. The look in her eyes was enough. She silently gave me a hug and a few of her tears. I didn't say anything. I couldn't. I had already lost, and didn't want to let myself believe I could move on like she did. The moment went by too fast...or not fast enough. I couldn't decide.

That was a week ago. A week of fearing this would be my last chance. A week of wanting to tell him of how I felt. A week of stopping myself everytime I was about to take a chance. I watched Lucy and him use each other for support. I have accepted that there is no point telling him. I have to leave no matter what, so why hurt Lucy along the way. My heart is already broken, adding her pain to mine would only crush mine more. So here I am, in front of everyone saying my good-byes. Part of me wonders if this will be the last time I will see everybody. Part of me wonders if this is the last time I will see his face. Part of me doesn't care. I am already dead inside.

*It would be awesome if you could leave a review. I would like to know if it worth the effort to continue writing fanfiction.*


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